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Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?

This could apply to the CIA, FBI, MI5 or the KGB, take your pick....

After searching for new recruits, the Man from Uncle was holding selection interviews. At the end of the day they were left with three possibles, two of which were men, one was a woman.

It was explained that there was one final test they had to pass, and were taken one at a time to a basement room. The first man was told that his wife was inside the room, blindfold, gagged and tied to a chair. He was handed a gun and ordered to enter the room and shoot his wife.

He refused, saying that he did not want the job so bad that he could kill his wife. The interviewer said he understood very well, was sorry to see the man go, but obviously he was not suited to this kind of work.

The second man took the gun and entered the room. After a couple of minutes, he came out in tears and explained that he just couldn't shoot his wife. He was also told he was clearly unsuited to the job.

The woman was given the same order, only this time it was her husband in the room. She also took the gun and entered the room. There came the sound of the gun being fired a number of times, followed by a short silence. There then came the noise of a scuffle and a lot of shouting and screaming. All fell silent again and the woman came out of the room.

'Fucking gun was loaded with blanks' she exclaimed. ' I had to beat him to death with a chair leg!'

A professor of mathematics, having been faithfully married for 30 years, decides it's time to get a little action before he's too old. He sends a fax to his wife, which reads:-

"Dear Sarah,

You must realise that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be offended to know that, by the time you read this, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old assistant. I will be home by midnight."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a fax waiting for him, which read:-

"Dear Husband,

You too are 54 years old, and by the time you read this I will be at the Beach Hotel with our neighbour's 18 year old son. As you are a mathematician of some note, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."




While we're on the subject of the fair sex and cars, don't tell anyone where you saw this. Our intrepid photographer had to travel heavily disguised in order to obtain this candid shot of our local town's well meaning attempt to make the town centre safer for women drivers. It's a ladies only car park......

Here's a little lesson on how to treat the girlfriend...

A Husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily; " Fix the Light? Now?
Does it Look like I have the ESB logo printed on my forehead? I don't think So!"

The Wife asks, "Well then,! could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", she says "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm Not a F#*king carpenter and I don't want to fix steps,"
He says "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", He asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He Said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Heeelloooooo... Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't F#*king think so!"