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We all need a bit of a laugh occasionally, so we decided to pass on a few that get handed around the workshop, or get e-mailed to us by friends and customers. We will try to keep it clean(ish) ~~~~~~~~~<< >>~~~~~~~~~ Really, really genuine true story number 1 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
into the
Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street
to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out
a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. Really, really genuine true story number 2 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier
to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At
this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed
that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the
license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
Really, really genuine true story number 3 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish
to buy sex vit you."
"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"
"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour." "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs." The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans and knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?"
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that the secret of a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. <<========================>> Guess where the ticket's goin'
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth" He trudges home to his wife, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before. He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £50, and then gets any line and wins £200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £80,000. The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but u won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky" "Lucky??" he screamed 'lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24" "F**k me" says the bingo caller "you've won the raffle as well"!!
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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he craftilly slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let
his hand slide up her leg again. Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity! ============================== Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave. When they opened the coffin , they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing ! (Hey! I never said I was proud of these!)
Subject:
Switching careers When the term ended the students were given their final exam - strip a car engine and reassemble it in perfect working order. Thy gynaecologist did his best - and was amazed to find that he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked. "Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for reassemTasty Nuts it - a fantastic job. And then I gave you 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe." ===========================
One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what
to do here," says the devil. Osama thought that sounded
pretty good, so he agreed. The devil led him to the
next room: in it was Tony Blair with A The devil opened a third
door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with
his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best. "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." <<-------------->~~<-------------->>
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Stop Press!! Local ice cream vendor is found dead in his truck, covered in crushed nuts and chocolate! Police think he topped himself... |
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Not a lot of people know that..... 111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 or that.... Fred and Wilma Flintstone were the first couple to be shown in bed on TV! (So I'm told)
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Well.....
we can all dream!
