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We all need a bit of a laugh occasionally, so we decided to pass on a few that get handed around the workshop, or get e-mailed to us by friends and customers.

We will try to keep it clean(ish)

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Really, really genuine true story number 1

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this:
"Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street
to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


Really, really genuine true story number 2

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21."  The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him.  At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk.  The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot.  The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They
arrested the robber two hours later.

Really, really genuine true story number 3

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"

 

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that the secret of a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

He left 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

<<========================>>

Guess where the ticket's goin'


O.K., so you noticed she's not wearing a helmet!

 

Party Time
Hey, look guys, it's party time again!!
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
And talkin'g about parties......
Party 2
Look guys, you really don't need me to comment on this next one, but just in case you don't get the message, scroll down and look where she put your truck....
Cheat
Truck up Tree


Now don't say I didn't warn you ....

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The Vaseline

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not have the extra money, and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry. There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and everything will be fine. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on his new Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word.......

Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word.......

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word........

By now he is getting very worried and is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." 

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking. One turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'

 

Intelligence

 

Hey Mom! Waddya say I should do with these?
ARD Racing

 

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

 

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they
see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped
with rasher upon rasher of bacon:

smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five
feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe!!Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a
bacon tree... ...

ees a ham bush!"

 

A man goes to the doctors.

The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth"

He trudges home to his wife, and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £50, and then gets any line and wins £200. He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand.

The national grid comes up and he wins a further £80,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but u won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky"

"Lucky??" he screamed 'lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24"

"F**k me" says the bingo caller "you've won the raffle as well"!!


Cartoon no shitAlien face

 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he craftilly slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story
------------------

Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

==============================

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave. When they opened the coffin , they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing ! (Hey! I never said I was proud of these!)

Subject: Switching careers


A gynaecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics.

When the term ended the students were given their final exam - strip a car engine and reassemble it in perfect working order.

Thy gynaecologist did his best - and was amazed to find that he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.

"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for reassemTasty Nuts it - a fantastic job.

And then I gave you 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."

===========================

Dream girlWell..... we can all dream!

One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed-over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with A
sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Osama.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

<<-------------->~~<-------------->>


 

Pleasure Bus

Stop Press!!

Local ice cream vendor is found dead in his truck, covered in crushed nuts and chocolate! Police think he topped himself...

 


What did you say after twist my right wrist?

Not a lot of people know that.....

111,111,111 * 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

or that....

Fred and Wilma Flintstone were the first couple to be shown in bed on TV! (So I'm told)