really genuine true story number 1
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
Branch and wrote this:
"Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to
give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen
him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street
to the Wells Fargo Bank.
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out
a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line
back at Bank of America.
Really, really genuine true story number
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
of the cash from the cash drawer. After the
cashier put the cash in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier
to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't
are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At
this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed
that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the
arrested the robber two hours later.
Really, really genuine true story number
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish
to buy sex vit you."
"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces
four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant
you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."
The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening
the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."
She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."
She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and
the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by
the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced,
and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.
Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what
do you call
"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that the secret
of a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his
oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of
He left 4 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great-grandchildren,
10 great-great grandchildren and a fifty-foot hole where the
crematorium used to be.
Guess where the ticket's goin'
O.K., so you noticed she's not wearing a helmet!
Hey, look guys, it's party time again!!
And talkin'g about parties......
Look guys, you really don't need
me to comment on this next one, but just in case you
don't get the message, scroll down and look where she
put your truck....
Now don't say I didn't warn you ....
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley
Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money
so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the
perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some
extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young
man is upset because he does not have the extra money,
and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon
as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry.
There is an old biker trick that will keep the chrome
like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline
handy and put it on the chrome before it rains - and
everything will be fine. The young man happily pays
for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and
falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her
parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date
is set. At the appointment time, he picks her up on
his new Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family
tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must
do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence
waiting for the first person to break and get stuck
doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the
young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches
over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And
no one says a word.......
Next he decides to take a more direct approach, so
he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. And no one says a word.......
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother
and throws her on the table. They have even wilder
sex. And no one says a word........
By now he is getting very worried and is thinking
what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance.
His first thought is to protect the chrome on his new
Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his
jar of Vaseline.
And the father says "I'll do the dishes!"
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake
while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at
her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking.
One turns to the other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could
murder a Chinese'
Hey Mom! Waddya say I should do with these?
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without
looking up," and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole
for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fucking cat."
A man goes to the doctors.
The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you
have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood
yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. There's nothing
I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious
moments on earth"
He trudges home to his wife, and breaks the news. Distraught,
she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can
experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there
He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £50,
and then gets any line and wins £200. He also calls for
a full house - and wins a grand.
The national grid comes up and he wins a further £80,000.
The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've
never seen you in here in all my life, but u won 4 corners,
any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met
anyone so lucky"
"Lucky??" he screamed 'lucky? I'll have you know
I've got yellow 24"
"F**k me" says the bingo caller "you've won
the raffle as well"!!